i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
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Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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