Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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