I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
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you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
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Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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