I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
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This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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