So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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