Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
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MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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