When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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