At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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