And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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