I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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