This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize