Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
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In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
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You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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