did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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