Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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