I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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