I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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