if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
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My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I did not marry a roomba.
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