Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
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Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Boobs speak an international language.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
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I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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