Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize