He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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