I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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