I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
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How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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