How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
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I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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