You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
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Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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