I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
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My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should frame my arrest warrant.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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