she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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