The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You ruined the universe
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize