This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
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I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize