literally had 100 drinks last night.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
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All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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