i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
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I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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