you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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