Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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