Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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