i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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