She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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