My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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