drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
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don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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