I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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