I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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