Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
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I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
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I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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