god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im six kinds of drunk right now
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
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You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
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Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm always down for nudity.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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