totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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