you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
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The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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