I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize