Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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