I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
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thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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