im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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