Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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