ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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