I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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